


Nothing Is Where It Should Be

by apolesen



Series: Complications [3]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Conversations, Episode: s04e25 Body Parts, Explicit Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, Mention of polyamory negotations, Post-Episode: s04e25 Body Parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 20:56:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolesen/pseuds/apolesen
Summary: Julian Bashir expected this to be an evening like most in Miles’ company, reenacting the Battle of Britain in the holosuite. Instead, they talk – about the O’Briens’ unborn baby, about Keiko and Kira and, ultimately, about themselves and what they feel. It is a night where nothing is where it’s supposed to be.





	Nothing Is Where It Should Be

‘You’re not dressed,’ Julian said when Miles stepped into his quarters. ‘You can’t fight the Jerries looking like that.’ 

Miles looked down at his uniform, which was quite different from Julian’s RAF outfit. 

‘Sorry. Completely forgot.’ 

Julian looked at him closely. 

‘You don’t look like you’re in a holosuite kind of mood.’ 

Miles sighed. 

‘No, don’t think I am.’ 

‘Would you like a drink?’ Julian said, shrugging off his jacket. 

‘Yes, please.’ 

‘Have a seat, then.’ 

Miles sat down heavily on the sofa and let his head fall back. He stayed motionless as Julian poured them each a measure of whiskey. 

‘There you go,’ he said, putting it in his friend’s hand. Miles raised his head. 

‘Cheers.’ 

They clinked their glasses together and drank. There was something about how Miles sipped his drink, Julian thought, like he was trying to stop himself from downing it. He undid his silk scarf and leaned back.

‘What’s bothering you?’ he asked. 

‘Nothing,’ Miles said resignedly. 

‘How’s the new arrangement working out?’ 

‘Oh it’s fine,’ he said. ‘Kira’s settling in. Molly loves her. She keeps making her play with her.’ 

Julian laughed. Miles smiled, but it was not sincere. He put his drink on the side table. 

‘She’s still pretty confused about how her little brother ended up in Kira’s tummy,’ he said. ‘We’ve tried to explain it, but it’s difficult, you know. We don’t want to scare her by telling her too much about Keiko’s accident.’ 

‘Would you like me to talk to her?’ Julian asked. Miles shot him a look. 

‘You can barely explain medical procedures in a way an adult can understand. No way you could explain this to a four-year-old.’ 

‘I suppose you’re right.’ 

Miles leaned back again and stared up into the ceiling. Julian continued watching him. 

‘You know Keiko’s going to be fine,’ he said. ‘The baby too.’ 

‘Yeah, I know,’ Miles said, not looking at him. 

‘I don’t mean to belabour the point, Miles, but something is clearly wrong.’ 

Miles sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. 

‘It’s difficult to explain. Maybe it’s nothing.’ He let his hands fall into his lap. ‘But maybe it’s something.’ 

‘Tell me,’ Julian said softly. 

For a moment Miles looked like he was going to argue, but then he sighed. 

‘I worked late yesterday, and when I came home, I couldn’t find Keiko.’ He picked up his glass and took a sip, small enough to be little more than the liquid touching his lips. ‘I panicked first. Almost called you to see if she was in the infirmary. Then I realised that Molly was tucked up in bed in the nursery, and Kira’s door was open. So I stepped inside.’ He took another sip, bigger this time. ‘And there she was. Asleep in Kira’s bed.’ 

Julian frowned. 

‘Where was Kira?’ 

Miles looked down at the glass in his hands. When he spoke, his voice strained. 

‘In bed with her. Keiko was curled up around her. Her hand was on her stomach. They looked so content.’ 

Julian leaned back. This he had not seen coming. 

‘What did you do?’ 

‘I got out of the room. Went to bed. This morning I just pretended I didn’t notice.’ 

The next question was more difficult to ask. 

‘Do you think something had… happened?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. ‘They were dressed, but that doesn’t mean anything, really.’ He sighed. ‘That’s not the worst part of it. I mean, it’s bad, but not… It was the look on their faces. They looked so peaceful. So perfect.’ 

‘They were asleep,’ Julian said. ‘People who are asleep tend to look relaxed. I’m sure you and Keiko look just as peaceful together.’ 

‘Maybe,’ Miles said, sounding like he did not believe him. He put away his glass again and hugged himself. ‘I’ve spent so much time afraid to slip up. I never thought she would, though. I might have been jealous at some of the people on her Bajor expedition, but… I was sure it was going to be me.’ 

‘You make it sound like infidelity is something inevitable.’ 

‘I know it isn’t,’ Miles said. ‘This just feels like the universe coming back to punish me.’ 

Julian folded his hands. With that sentence, the subject had shifted. 

‘Nothing happened,’ he said. 

‘It did. I kissed you.’ 

‘That was six months ago.’ 

Miles looked away. 

‘Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it.’ 

Julian felt his stomach drop. At the same time, his head went oddly light. In idle moments, he had thought about that small, awkward peck. He had combed through his feelings, turned them this way and that, assessed every conversation they had had since then. 

‘She doesn’t know,’ he said – a statement, not a question. 

‘No. I feel I should tell her, and I want to, but… I haven’t dared.’ 

‘I’ve felt something similar, to be honest,’ Julian admitted. ‘I just didn’t want to say anything and make it hard for you.’ 

They sat in silence for a long while. 

‘This wasn’t how I thought it was going to go,’ Miles said. ‘I assumed things would go back to normal once she came back. I mean, better, but basically the same. But…’ He trailed off. 

‘The accident?’ 

‘Partly. But even before that…’ He shrugged. ‘She was busy with cataloguing her samples. She felt unwell. Molly wanted attention. It was like I didn’t get the opportunity to make it up to her. I thought that if I could do that…’ 

‘If you could do that, you would not think about me.’ 

‘Yes.’ Miles sighed and rubbed his forehead. ‘I don’t know what I was imagining would happen. I’m being a selfish idiot.’ 

Julian changed positions, leaning back in the sofa and putting his arm on the backrest, turning towards Miles. 

‘You might want to make it up to her, but I think you also want her to show you affection. That doesn’t make you selfish.’ 

‘It’s not like she hasn’t been affectionate,’ Miles said. ‘I just… feel like it’s not enough.’ 

‘These feelings are quite common in expecting fathers, you know.’ 

‘Spare me the psychobabble, Julian.’ 

‘Fine,’ Julian said. ‘But the truth is that you’ve had a toddler for the past four years and now, Molly is getting to the age where you feel you and Keiko could have some time together again, but now there’s another baby on the way. It’s a startling thing. It’s not about the two of you anymore. It’s about the four of you.’ 

‘Or five, as it turned out.’ 

‘Yes. I suppose so.’ 

They sat quietly for a while. It was Miles who spoke. 

‘Did you know that Keiko called off our wedding on the day itself?’ 

‘What?’ 

‘Yes. She changed her mind again, but for a few hours, she didn’t want to get married. She didn’t want to see me. She sent me messages through one of her friends.’ 

‘Good grief.’ 

Miles sank down into the sofa a little. 

‘Perhaps that’s why I always feel I don’t really deserve her. One of these days, she’ll wake up, look over at me and think “why did I marry this plain, plodding non-com?”’ 

Not even thinking, Julian put his hand on Miles’ arm. 

‘There is nothing plain or plodding about you, Miles.’ 

Miles looked at him. 

‘She’s right to be angry with me,’ he said. ‘She never wanted this life.’ 

Julian sighed, slowly letting go of him. 

‘When she married you, she knew that you’d have to go where you were stationed.’ 

‘I don’t know if it’s about DS9 anymore,’ Miles admitted. ‘This whole thing with the baby…’ 

‘I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to be patient with her,’ Julian said. ‘Even if the baby is fine, this is a loss.’ 

‘I know,’ Miles said. ‘And I know that’s why Kira is there. And I’m happy she is. It felt odd, not having the baby close. Never mind that he’s not born yet.’ He bit his lip. ‘It was just… The way they held onto each other.’ He hesitated before asking. ‘What kind of bond will this lead to – Kira carrying Keiko’s baby?’ 

‘I have no idea,’ he admitted. ‘But quite a deep one, I’d imagine.’ Realising what that sounded like, he added: ‘I don’t mean that that will change anything between you…’ 

‘Hasn’t it?’ Miles asked. ‘When I left, Kira and Keiko were so absorbed in their conversation they barely noticed me going. And when it was clear we weren’t going to go to the holosuite, I didn’t leave and go home. I sat down.’ 

‘I asked you to.’ 

Miles sighed. 

‘I know. I’m sorry. I’m reading too much into everything.’ 

Julian resolutely looked at his hands, not at his friend. 

‘So… do you still…’ The words were difficult to speak. ‘Think about me?’ Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Miles’ unmoving profile. Julian shifted, putting his arm on the back of the sofa and turning towards him. ‘Miles?’ 

Miles sighed. They looked at each other. 

‘I wish I didn’t. No offence.’ 

‘But you do,’ Julian said. 

‘Yes.’ Miles raked his fingers through his hair. ‘It’s not that I don’t love Keiko, or that I’m not attracted to her. It’s just… I feel something similar to you.’ He looked at him with such vulnerability that it startled him. ‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Julian said. 

‘You know what the worst irony is? The person I want to talk to most about this is Keiko. I’ve wondered if I could just tell her that I’ve realised that I’m not straight. But maybe she’d realise it wasn’t just a general thing.’ He leaned his head back and sighed deeply. ‘I’m sorry, Julian. This isn’t fair of me. This shouldn’t be your problem too.’

‘It is,’ Julian said quietly. ‘It was me you kissed.’ 

He had the right words on the tip of his tongue – _go to her. She loves you. All you need to do it talk this through_. If he spoke them, Miles would sigh, pull himself together and leave. It was what he should do. They both knew that. Get up, put distance and bulkheads and levels between them, move so that his hand did not rest so close to his friend’s head. This second-guessing about Keiko’s actions and feelings would never go anywhere good. It would only lead to more mistakes, more misunderstandings. He should say those words. He should make this right. 

He reached out and touched his hair. Miles looked up at him, lips parted in anticipation. 

‘Julian,’ he said, like he was about to ask him something. Julian hesitated, but Miles did not speak. He moved the final inch and pressed their lips together. Miles kissed him back, pushing up and then letting their lips slip against one another and taking his lower lip between his. Julian made a contented noise. He tipped his head and opened his mouth a little. Miles mirrored him. Their tongues met briefly.

Julian put his hand on Miles’ chest, pushing away from him. 

‘I don’t want to ruin your marriage,’ he said. 

‘You’re not,’ Miles said. ‘Keiko and I are doing that well on our own.’ 

Julian smiled a little. 

‘You don’t know if there’s anything going on between her and Kira.’ 

Miles sighed. 

‘I don’t.’ 

‘I just mean…’ Julian changed tack. ‘I want you to do this because _you_ want to. Not as a way of getting back at Keiko.’ 

‘This is not about her. I do want this,’ Miles said. ‘Do… you?’ 

Julian swallowed. 

‘Yes. I do. I’ve thought a lot about it.’ 

Miles smiled. 

‘Well then.’ He took Julian’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Ever since the night his friend had turned up at his door and admitted his feelings, Julian had thought of what it would be like to kiss him properly. He realised now he had imagined that it would be rather awkward. This was nothing like that. Miles kissed him with gusto, but with tenderness too. Was this how _he_ had imagined it? He almost wanted to ask, but that would mean interrupting the kissing. So he kissed back, pushing their open mouths together, retreating to delicate brushes of lips, letting their tongues touch. 

They were still sitting like when they had been talking, before Julian had leaned over to kiss him in the first place. He had had to put his free hand down between them to steady himself, and it was starting to ache from taking all his weight. 

‘Hang on a minute. I need to move.’ 

‘Come here,’ Miles said. Julian threw his leg over his and stood on his knees. He was high up enough that when he bent his elbows, he could take Miles’ face in his hands without moving his shoulders. Miles let his head fall back and look at him. As if by instinct, he put his hands on the small of Julian’s back. Julian leaned down and kissed him carefully, sucking on his lower lip. Miles’ hands flattened against his back and pushed him closer. They kissed deeper again. The way he was standing, his groin was close to Miles’ body. If he moved forward a little, he would notice his erection. If he sat down, he would feel Miles’, if he had one. They had talked vaguely about “this” and “it”. What did that mean? He was content just kissing, but arousal was settling heavily in his groin. 

Miles’ lips left his mouth. He could feel his breath coming fast. 

‘You’ve thought about this?’ Miles whispered. 

‘Yes.’ Julian kissed the corner of his mouth, the wing of his nose, his jaw. Miles pulled him closer. He traced his lips up his neck and ran his teeth over his earlobe. Julian gasped and pulled back. 

‘Sorry,’ Miles said, embarrassed. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you…’ 

‘You didn’t,’ Julian said. ‘It wasn’t that kind of gasp.’ 

Miles looked at him and bit his lip. 

‘What are we doing, Julian?’ 

Julian climbed off him, but kept his hand on his shoulder.

‘By the looks of it,’ he said, ‘we’re making out.’ 

‘Is that all?’ Miles asked. 

‘Well, the line between making out and foreplay is quite a vague one.’ 

Miles grabbed his forehead and laughed. 

‘You make this sound so academic!’

‘Just making an observation,’ Julian said and he let his hand fall. He was starting to feel rather wretched. ‘I’m sorry, Miles.’ 

‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘This is not your fault. It’s mine, if anyone’s.’ 

Julian moved his hand and took Miles’. He squeezed it hard. 

‘Perhaps you should leave,’ Julian said quietly. Miles did not answer for a long time. 

‘I don’t want to,’ he said finally. ‘Probably makes me a terrible person.’ 

‘No.’ 

Miles turned to face him. He had a belligerent look in his eye. 

‘I’m about to cheat on my wife,’ he said. 

‘“About to”?’ Julian repeated. Miles took his neck in his hand and kissed him. Julian gasped with surprise, then kissed back, hard. They moved closer. Again, Julian straddled his lap, but this time, he did not attempt to put any space between them. He ground down against Miles as he held him tighter. They kissed fast and sloppily, their lips becoming wet and bitten. Julian unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and unceremoniously pulled it over his head. He threw it aside, not minding where it fell. Miles ran his hands over his bare back, then placed his hands on his shoulders and let his hands move over his chest. Julian looked him in the eye and started unzipping his uniform.

‘Have I ever said I hate this design?’ he said. 

‘I’ve always liked them,’ Miles said, still exploring Julian’s bare skin with his hands. ‘It’s better than the sailor suits.’ 

‘Do you know how many uniforms I’ve had to cut off patients?’ Julian said, pulling the zipper all the way down. ‘It’s very difficult to get these things off.’ 

‘Want some help?’ Miles asked. He took hold of him and let them overbalance. Julian gave a shout of surprise and then laughed as they ended up lying on the couch, him on his back and Miles on top of him. Miles pulled off the grey undershirt, quickly folded it up and threw it over the back of the sofa. Then he covered Julian with his body and kissed him. Julian put his hands on his back. Miles gasped against his mouth. ‘How are your hands always so cold?’ he murmured. Julian laughed and kissed him, flattening his hands against his skin. It was surprisingly soft, and warmed his hands. Miles leaned onto his elbows, pressing their chests together. Julian moved his hand to Miles’ hair. He broke the kiss and looked at him. 

‘What do you want to do?’ 

Miles thought for a moment, looking a little apprehensive. Not wanting him to lose the moment, Julian ran his other hand down his back, letting his hand slip just inside his uniform. 

‘How do you feel about oral?’ Miles asked. Julian grinned. 

‘I’m very much in favour.’ 

Miles smiled. Julian kissed him. 

‘How do you prefer it?’ he asked. ‘Lying down, or…’ 

Miles sat up and, taking Julian’s hand, pulled him up with him. 

‘Do you mind if we stay here?’ 

Julian shook his head. 

‘Not at all.’ 

He kissed him deeply. His hand in Miles’ hair went to his shoulder, down his chest and stomach. Miles guided his other hand to his thigh. Julian moved it the final inch to his groin and cupped him through the uniform. Miles’ breath trembled against his mouth, his body tensing as he touched his erection. Then, he broke the contact and got up to kneel in front of him. He took hold of the uniform and looked up at his friend, seeking his permission. Miles lifted his body and they pulled down his uniform and underwear. 

It had happened that people had asked Julian how bodies could be exciting when you’d seen so many in a clinical setting. This was one of the moments that made him think how utterly misguided that question was. He had seen Miles naked many times, but that did not enter his mind now. It was so altogether different, seeing him sitting with his uniform pulled down to his thighs, his flushed erection moving slightly with his breaths. The hooded eyes that looked down on him and the blush running down his chest were intensely erotic. The sight of the precum glinting on the head of his penis made his mouth water. 

Leaning forward, he took hold of the base of his penis and covered the head with his mouth. Miles drew a fast, shocked breath and his head fell back. Julian ran his tongue down the seam and then back up before taking the whole head in his mouth. Miles’ hand went to his shoulder and pressed it, hard. Julian pushed downwards, taking more of the shaft inside and then pulling out again. 

‘Oh fuck,’ Miles whispered. ‘Ah – Julian…’ He barely managed to finish saying his name. It instead became a groan as Julian swallowed around his cock. ‘Good God,’ he stuttered. ‘Do that again.’ He did. The tremble ran all through his body. Julian pulled back, flattening his tongue against the head and teasing him. Meanwhile, his free hand stroked his balls. He could sense the strain building in his body. Taking hold of his hips for leverage, he took his cock deeper into his mouth. Only seconds later, a shout and a curse escaped Miles as he came. Julian pulled back slowly, not wanting to startle him. When he raised his gaze, he saw how he lay limply on the couch, looking like the strings commanding his limbs had been cut. ‘That was something,’ he murmured. ‘Really something.’ 

Julian put his hands on Miles’ knees. 

‘Would you like to see what it’s like with the roles reversed?’ he asked. ‘If you’re interested.’ 

‘I definitely am,’ Miles said, sitting up straight. ‘Do you want to swap places?’ 

‘Actually, can we move to the bedroom?’ Julian asked. ‘It’s more comfortable.’ 

‘Sure.’

They got up, Miles pausing to pull his uniform on. Their hands linked, almost only fingertips touching, as they walked into his bedroom. 

‘Would you mind if I took this off?’ Miles asked, gesturing at his clothes. 

‘No, get out of it,’ Julian said. ‘I’m planning to do the same.’ 

‘Wait. Let me.’ 

Miles crossed to him and undid his belt. He unzipped his trousers and pulled them off his hips. Julian kicked off his shoes and let the trousers fall. He took Miles’ hands and put them on the small of his back, leading him. Miles pushed down his underwear, following the curve of his arse. Julian released his erection and stepped out of his pants. Miles stared at him, not trying to hide it. 

Julian took his hand. 

‘How about it?’ he asked, moving closer. Miles smiled and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, carefully exploring how their lips could touch. Julian took hold of Miles’ uniform, which was bunched around his waist. Smoothly, Miles moved his hand away and sat down, taking his boots off and pulling his uniform and pants off. Julian sat down beside him, looking at him intently. Miles turned to him. His hand moved, but stopped at his thigh. 

‘Can I?’ 

Julian smiled. 

‘Yes. Go on.’ His breath was trembling. ‘Please.’ 

Miles leaned closer and took Julian’s cock in his hand. Julian gasped loudly as he stroked him from base to head. 

‘I think I need to lie down,’ he said. Miles released his grip around him so that he could push himself onto the bed properly. Then he followed him, coming to lie at his side. ‘Is this odd?’ Julian asked. 

‘It should be, shouldn’t it?’ Miles said. ‘But it’s not.’ 

He took hold of his erection again. Julian added his hand on top of Miles’, and his eyes fluttered shut. 

‘Miles…’ His hand fell from his. Miles moved down, lying on his stomach, perpendicularly to Julian, who watched him with heavy eyes.

‘Are you sure about this?’ he whispered and stroked his hair. 

Miles nodded. 

‘Yes.’ 

He pulled himself a little closer, then, taking a new grip around the base of his penis, kissed it. Julian gasped. Every time his lips pressed against his erection, a shock coursed through his body. When he encircled the head with his mouth, his chest felt like it contracted and the breath had nowhere to go. Miles’ hand had settled on his leg, his fingers pushing against the softer skin on the inside of his thigh. He felt aware – probably too aware – that Miles had, by his own admission, never done this before, but he knew that showing concern that he would change his mind would only annoy him. So he absolved himself from the nagging thought not to push his luck, and thrust upwards. The movement made Miles’ mouth slip off his cock, sending his tongue down the underside of the shaft. He almost screamed. 

‘God, you’re loud,’ Miles said. The vibrations from his voice against his cock made his toes curl. Miles pulled himself a little closer and took a new grip around his erection. Julian bucked into his hand. When Miles moved in to take him into his mouth, he missed the first time. ‘You’re not making this easy for me,’ he said. ‘You’re gonna take my eye out if you’re not careful.’ 

Julian burst out laughing. It spread to Miles, who first put his forehead down against his thigh, then moved so he lay alongside him. They laughed until they shook. 

‘Take your eye out,’ Julian repeated, between breaths. Miles pressed his fist against his mouth to stifle his giggles, going quite red. They looked at each other, and the laughter changed character. Julian watched how Miles smiled, then how that smile slipped from his face, giving way to an intense light in his eyes. There was something momentous between them. 

He reached up and touched Miles’ cheek. He moved closer and kissed him. Miles’ hand moved from Julian’s hip to his cock. He stroked it leisurely, recapturing the moment. Julian let his teeth run against Miles’ lower lip, which drew a groan from him. He pushed into his hand as he dug his fingers into his shoulder. Miles broke the kiss to speak, but did not move away more than so he could look him in the eye. 

‘Do you want to keep going like this, or shall I go down on you?’ 

Julian traced his body from his shoulder down to his hip. 

‘Did you enjoy it?’ he asked. 

Miles grinned. 

‘Did you expect me not to?’ 

Julian smiled back. 

‘Well if you did…’ 

Miles disentangled himself and moved further down. The arousal was strong enough that Julian felt like closing his eyes, but he kept them open to watch how Miles put his lips against the head of his cock and slipped it into his mouth. His tongue flattened against the glans and then sharpened to a tip to run down the shaft. It sent a jolt through Julian’s body, forcing a gasp and a high-pitched cry out of him. He bit his knuckles, half-heartedly trying to stifle his moans. His free hand settled on Miles’ head, tracing his ear and stroking his hair. He had taken his eyes off him for only a moment, but now he realised Miles was looking back at him. Julian stared back, mesmerised at the sight of his friend with his mouth around his cock. He sucked on it, then pulled back and licked the underside of the shaft. The climax came with no warning, all at once crushing his chest and igniting his nerves and making him shout. Then the tenseness was gone. His first few breaths were unsteady and shallow, but the ones following were deeper. A quiet sense of contentment flooded his body. Miles pulled himself up, lying down heavily beside him. 

‘You okay?’ Julian asked. 

‘Yes,’ said Miles. He looked it, cheeks still flushed from the laughter and lips full from the kissing and sucking. 

‘You’ve got semen in your hair. Sorry about that.’ 

Miles smiled. 

‘Guess I’ll have to take a shower.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Julian hesitated for a moment. ‘Can you stay for a while?’ 

‘Yes. I want to.’ 

They looked at each other, wordlessly considering how they fit together. Then Miles reached out his arm and Julian rested his head on his shoulder. It felt like they had always lain like that. For a long time, they did not speak. Julian felt that it was all too enormous to put into words. The warm skin against his face, the soft pressure of Miles’ cheek against his hair, his foot moving against his ankle. He moved closer, pressing his nose against his chest and putting his hand on his stomach. Miles moved his hand from his shoulder to his hair. Julian felt his lips resting against his forehead. 

‘Julian?’ 

‘Mm?’ 

‘Can I ask something?’ 

He turned his head to catch a glimpse of his face. 

‘Of course.’ 

Miles was looking at him, still playing with his hair, but his brow was furrowed. 

‘When you ended up in that asteroid field and Keiko was injured, what went through your mind?’ 

Julian sat up, appraising him. 

‘Are you asking me “what on earth were you thinking”?’ 

‘No,’ Miles said quickly. ‘Not at all. I meant, genuinely.’ 

Relaxing a little, he lay back down. 

‘I don’t know if I thought. I just needed to act. You can’t let yourself get bogged down in feelings in those kinds of situations.’ That, he realised, was not quite true. ‘I do remember thinking one thing, as I was examining Keiko. I thought of you and Molly. What would you do, if I failed?’ He hesitated for a moment. ‘And – stupidly – I wondered, if I could only save Keiko and she lost the baby, whether you’d blame me.’ 

To his surprise, Miles hugged him, hard. He gasped a little and laughed. When Miles loosened his grip. 

‘Of course, this means that my domestic mess is all your fault.’ He was trying to look sour, but the mask split, and he smiled. He ran his hands down Julian’s arms and stopped just by his wrists. 

‘What are you staring at?’ Julian asked, smiling. Miles took his hands in his and turned them palm-up. 

‘It just occurred to me. You’re the first person to hold my son.’ 

The smile slipped. 

‘I suppose that’s true,’ he said. He had not thought of that before. 

‘What was it like?’ Miles asked.

‘I didn’t have time to think about it,’ he admitted. ‘It was just a few seconds.’ 

‘What did he look like?’ 

‘I only saw him through the amniotic sac,’ Julian said, but he strained his memory. ‘I saw his ear. He has hair on his head. And he moved.’ He moved his right hand, remembering the contact. ‘He elbowed my hand.’

‘Keiko never said he’d started moving,’ Miles said. 

‘She would have started feeling it soon,’ he said. ‘It takes a while before the movements are strong enough for the mother to feel them.’ 

‘So Kira will feel it soon, then.’ 

‘Not as soon, probably,’ Julian said. ‘The uterine muscles in first-time mothers aren’t as sensitive, so it’ll take her a few more weeks, although the nerves in Bajorans run in different ways, and the vascularisation in Bajoran pregnancies might make a difference…’ Realising he was rambling, he cut himself off. ‘Sorry.’ 

Miles snorted and laughed. 

‘This is all topsy-turvy. Nothing’s where it should be.’ 

Julian turned to look him in the eye and touched his cheek. 

‘I like where you are.’ 

He could not be sure, but he thought Miles blushed. 

‘Right now, so do I.’ Then his face fell.

‘What are you thinking?’ Julian asked.

Miles sighed softly. 

‘Just waiting for regret to set in, I suppose.’ 

‘Does that mean you don’t regret it?’

‘I feel I should,’ Miles said. ‘Is it bad that I don’t?’ 

Julian propped himself up onto his elbow. 

‘I don’t think so,’ he said. Miles’ hand came to rest on his shoulder. 

‘I don’t want this to change anything between us.’ 

‘It doesn’t have to,’ Julian said. ‘Do you… think we might do this again?’ 

‘Dunno. Maybe,’ Miles said. Whatever the sounds had been, something about the way he said it made it sound like a ‘yes’. ‘Would it be worse if we did do it again?’ 

‘I have no idea,’ Julian admitted. ‘I suppose you could argue that if it was only the once, it was something that just happened.’ 

‘This wasn’t something that just happened,’ Miles said. 

‘It wasn’t.’ 

Miles pulled him into a hug. Julian hugged back, hard. Then he looked at him. 

‘Miles, you need to talk to Keiko.’ 

He sighed. 

‘What do I say?’ 

‘Tell her what happened.’ 

He stared into the ceiling. 

‘I don’t want to lose her.’ 

‘Lying about this will only make it worse,’ Julian said. He touched his cheek, and Miles looked at him. ‘For Keiko, and for you, and… for me.’ He took a moment to compose himself. ‘I want us to be friends and – if that’s what you want – I want to do this again, but not in secret. That would never work.’ 

‘And if I told Keiko?’ Miles asked. ‘How will that make it possible?’ 

Julian sighed deeply and lay down on his back. Miles retreated. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I… I didn’t mean to ruin the moment.’ 

Julian moved closer.

‘It’s alright,’ he said. ‘You didn’t.’ He put his head down on Miles’ chest. In response, Miles rested his cheek against his forehead and ran his hand through Julian’s hair.

‘Have you and Keiko ever actually discussed monogamy?’ 

He thought about it. 

‘No. I suppose we just assumed.’ 

‘Then perhaps you should,’ Julian said kindly. 

‘After I’ve cheated on her? What will she think, if I said “honey, I had sex with Julian. Oh and by the way, I think we should talk about seeing other people”?’ 

‘Maybe don’t phrase it like that.’ 

‘How _do_ I phrase it?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ Julian admitted. ‘But if something _is_ going on between her and Kira – and I’m not saying anything is – then perhaps she needs that conversation as well.’ 

Miles sighed and looked at him. 

‘I’ll talk to her,’ he said. ‘Somehow. Just… let’s not discuss this now.’

Julian smiled, edging closer. 

‘Agreed,’ he said and kissed him. Miles chuckled and kissed back. Their movements were leisurely. Julian was feeling very warm and comfortable. He put off what he wanted to say, as he knew what the answer would be. Instead he drew out the kiss. Finally, he could not keep the words in anymore. 

‘I wish you could stay the night.’ 

Miles looked resigned. 

‘I need to get back.’ 

‘I know,’ Julian said. ‘I just wanted to say it…’ 

‘It’s alright,’ Miles said, his hand against Julian’s cheek. Although he did not say it, Julian thought he could sense that he wanted the same thing as he did: to stay in this bed, kissing and cuddling, have a second round even, talk about nothing and laugh, fall asleep together. Julian covered Miles’ hand with his own, holding it against his cheek a little while longer before moving it away. Keeping his grip on it, he said: 

‘You need to wash your hair. Otherwise things might get a bit awkward, faster than you want them to.’ 

Miles smiled. 

‘Good idea.’

Julian let go of his hand and got out of bed. He walked over to the replicator and punched in a code. The machine made a chiming sound and glowed briefly, then became lifeless once again. ‘Here,’ said Julian, took the newly-replicated toothbrush and threw it. Miles caught it. 

‘Another good idea,’ he said. 

‘There’s toothpaste in the bathroom,’ Julian said. ‘Just on the sink.’ He stopped, noticing Miles’ gaze. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ 

Miles looked embarrassed. 

‘I… I was just thinking. You’re beautiful.’

It caught him off-guard. He saw the situation from the outside: him standing naked in the middle of the room, Miles sitting in his bed, their eyes locked. It felt absurd, and he wanted it to go on forever. 

Miles got out of bed. 

‘I’ll go shower.’ When he passed by him, he touched his arm. The contact only lasted a second, but it reassured him. Then Miles left the room, closing the door behind him. Julian lay down in bed again, pulled the duvet over himself and burrowed into the mattress. The sheets were warm with their shared body heat. When he turned onto his other side, he caught the scent of Miles, clinging to the linen. In the distance, he heard the sonic shower. It was growing fainter, as if it was moving further away. His consciousness was slipping away from him, down into drowsiness. 

‘Julian?’ 

The voice was close and far away at the same time. He could not hear the shower. For a moment, he thought he had dreamed the whole thing. Then he heard him again: 

‘Julian, I’m going now.’ 

He forced his eyes open a little. Miles was crouching at the bed, dressed in his uniform.

‘Okay.’ Julian pushed himself onto his elbow, trying to wake up. 

‘Go back to sleep,’ Miles told him. ‘I can let myself out.’ 

‘Mmm.’ He lay down again, thinking that perhaps it was better, in case someone was in the corridor when Miles left, if he was not standing in only his dressing-gown on the other side of the door. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ Miles said, closer than before, and pressed a kiss onto his forehead. Julian smiled into his pillow.

‘See you,’ he murmured. He wanted to open his eyes and see him leave, but he could no longer order his body to move. He fell asleep, caught in the moment when Miles’ lips left his skin.


End file.
